Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

I'd just like to say thank you to everyone that has left reflections for Frank. Even though time has passed, it's nice to to know he's on your mind and that you are thinking about him and his family. It means more than you know.

Frank,
I got back from vacation last week. I'm not sure you would have loved it. We did a lot of snorkeling and spent a lot of time in the ocean. As you used to say "Shark attacks are 100% preventable!" I don't know if you would have ever stepped into the ocean. Sadly, I guess we will never know. You never did see the ocean in your lifetime. I am sure you see it now.

Going away did a lot for me. Put a lot of things into perspective....sometimes it's easy to forget the difference between the little picture and the big picture. I'm feeling at peace with my life and the direction it is going. Every day, I meet more amazing people and I learn from them. As always, I feel your presence and your wisdom. You truly knew yourself at such a young age. It's been such an inspiration to me and I think I am at that point where I know myself, too.

I just wanted to let you know I am ok, in regards to the last reflection....I have those days but the amazing thing about life is that we have the strength to get through it. The kids are doing wonderfully and are growing like crazy. Sometimes I dread each upcoming birthday because I don't want them to stop wanting to hang out with me. What is it? Eleven or Twelve years old? The boys will be off with their friends and Kyra with her friends....I'll be that annoying mom that tries to hang out with the kids and be cool. Take care up there, keep looking out for us. Your whole family loves you.

Krissy

February 26, 2006

Krissy -

I don't know you, but you are an amaizng person.

I stumbled on to this website a few weeks ago, after the death of my cousin's husband, Lt Michael Walker of the California Highway Patrol, whose watch ended much too early on December 31, 2005. I do recall the events of that awful day, and have driven the part of 270 where the incident occurred. I say incident not accident, because it was not an accident, rather an incident of some driver making an extremely poor decision that changed a lot of lives. Tomorrow, Lt Walker is being honored by the city of Aptos, Ca - to get there, travels will take his wife past the site of the accident for the fist time.

Our loved ones were involved in similar types of accidents to end thier watches; however, it does not appear alcohol was a factor in the accident that took Mike's life. For me, that has been somewhat comforting in a totally miserable situation. There is no excuse for drinking and driving. As of right now, the accident is still under investgation. What the accident report says cannot bring Mike back.

Our family is just beginning our journey of greif and healing. Grief is a vey personal thing, and each of us deal with it in our own fashion.I have read many of your reflections, and have found comfort in them. I see the progress and set backs that you so freely share with Frank and the rest of us; no doubt this will be a journey you continue for the rest of your life. To openly admit your fears and fear of failure to express your grief takes a tremendous amount of courage very few people in this world possess.

As I said, I don't know you, but I can see from your reflections that Frank and Todd are lucky men, and Kyra, Christian and Noah have an amazing mom. People still read this Krissy, and you have brought me comfort as I walk an untraveled road and face my own fears and deal with my grief.

Thank you and god bless you. I will continue to keep you and your family in our prayers. I am sure there is some serious mischief going on in the streets of heaven between our loved ones..

February 13, 2006

First and foremost, to Tpr. Vazquez, thank you for your service to the citizens of Ohio and your ultimate sacrifice. As the son of a retired officer and a friend of Ofc. Larry Cox (E.O.W 4-21-05), I am all too familiar with the character and resolve it takes to put on that uniform and hit the streets every day to protect your fellow man, and, in yours and Larry's cases, lay down your lives for your friends. You sound like a man who cared deeply about his family, friends, and community, and I have no doubt you and Larry have become fast buds up there. Thank you again for all you did, you were a true hero.

And last but certainly not least, Mrs. Vazquez-Ensoll (I hope I remember that name correctly), thank you for your resilience in the wake of Frank's departure, most especially your fight against the deplorable video games that glorify the murder of those who protect us. I saw you on the news recently, and just feel compelled to thank you for speaking out against this utterly disgusting display of disrespect for those who provide our freedom. You continue to fight the good fight in his absence, and I commend you for it. I pray for peace in the lives of you and your family.

Anonymous

February 11, 2006

Hey Krissy, chin up. Here's a little note about Frank and his love for all of you. I KNOW that every night he came in to work with a smile on his face each time the kids and you were mentioned. Even if it was us just asking how you were all doing. He didn't have to try to smile, he couldn't stop it.There was always something he had to say about you and the kids. The love and pride just gleamed in his eyes. His face would light up and he would just glow. He bragged constantly about them. I wish I could remember exact tidbits,I'm so sorry I can't. Maybe some of his other co-workers could fill you in on some more detailed stories that he might have told.
You're doing right, and there should never be any doubt about how he felt and how you can express that to them. Everything you've done, I'm sure he's been behind you one way or another.
Just believe that the love he had is now radiating through you!!

OSP

February 6, 2006

Just felt like saying hi. I feel sad tonight. I want to help the new families, but I can't take their pain away. So much, I want to take it away. I see the look of hopelessness in their eyes and I am reminded of myself 4 years ago. I'm pissed off. Why does this have to happen to people? I can pretend that everything is okay and normal and wonderful but that will never change the fact that my children will never know you!!! I can give them the world but I can't give them their father!!

What is wrong with me? Its been 4 years will I ever be able to NOT feel hurt??? I can accept reality but it doesn't make it any easier that I have 3 kids that will never truly remember how much their daddy loved them.

Tonight, I feel sad, I feel angry, and I feel helpless. I wouldn't wish this on anyone but every year there are more of us. Its getting to the point where I am forgetting things about you and its killing me. I'm sitting here crying in my office and I don't understand. After 4 years you aren't supposed to be this sad anymore are you? Did I run from the pain so long that its finally caught up to me? HOw can everything be going so well for me but yet I sit here with tears on my face? Will it be like this in 10 years? I can face life without you, I have accepted it and obviously found love again and marriage. But how will I ever be able to sit here and accept that my babies, the 3 loves of my life, will never know you? Its so unfair. I want to say its so f-ing unfair but I know I can't swear on here...but without the swearing I can't convey just how MAD I am feeling right now. Those kids are loved loved loved but they will NEVER have you and I will NEVER be able to be okay with that. They have me, they have Todd, they have their grandparents. We love them and protect them and they love us too.

But they won't ever TRULY know how MUCH YOU LOVED THEM. I can tell them until I'm blue in the face but talk is cheap. A bunch of words strung together isn't going to make up for a lifetime lost and their relationship with you severed. Yeah, it would be easier if you had been a jerk or didn't care about your kids. But they were YOUR WORLD. How will they ever know that YOU LIVED AND BREATHED for them.

Whew I had to get that out. For you and the whole world to see, there is my rant. With love, K

January 31, 2006

Still reading Krissy, Still missing him too.

Officer
OSUPD

January 26, 2006

Today has been emotional for me in some way. I should have known something was up...I went to the mall and had some major retail therapy yesterday. And yes it did make me feel better. But, today, I broke down. I was talking to Todd and had an emotional break down about why I am the way that I am. Like, sometimes I have anxiety about things that I really shouldn't...and then it hit me. I am afraid of losing him like I lost you, of starting over and being in that raw, scary place that I once was. It's not something I ever really put my finger on...but it's something that I'm so scared of. I was really cautious when I began getting attached to him, because I knew it was different because the way he and I related reminded me of the way you and I related. I felt the same comfort level and that I could be myself with no fear. But once I took that step, and then getting married, its like I know in the back of my mind, that something bad might happen and I will be back at square one. Its not something I used to worry about. And then after you passed away, I had to take steps to become independent and I did become my own person in a different way than I was when we were married. It took a couple of years, but I grew proud of myself that I was doing it....along with the help of Brandee of course....but that I could raise my children and be okay on my own. That was so, so hard to get to that place. And then I got there, and met Todd, and now I am once again attached to someone and it scares me. But, I just have to take a deep breath and tell myself that I can get through anything. I would love a life without worries....like before you died and I didn't worry, because I knew you were Superman. I guess my life has been forever changed and I need to deal with it.

I start to write on here all of the time...holidays, random nights when I can't sleep....but I don't write, I just talk to you inside my head. I know people may think its weird that I talk about my new husband to you. Like, maybe they think that its dishonorable. The way I see it, is that not only were you my husband and my lover....you were my best friend. We had such a deep connection...now that I have a connection with Todd...it doesn't mean I still don't have a bond with you. Love isn't about possesion of someone...its about loving their soul. And I know you are in a more enlightened place, where you understand so much more than we could know. And that you can see it from a completely different perspective. And, honestly, I feel you around me. After you died, I wrote a lot about you. When my computer crashed, I lost it. I would love to be able to have all of that. When my emotions were raw and all of my memories were fresh. Todd wants me to get a tattoo of your number..I was thinking of getting an angel. As much as you were a trooper...you weren't a number to me. You know what I think about first when I think about you? Your huge smile and your laugh. And how you used to obsess over your body and working out. How when you were sick, you'd lay in the bathtub and turn the shower on and just lay there. I don't know why that cracks me up. How you loved Michigan and North Carolina and shopping at Champs. Getting you new running shoes. How you made up voices and songs...when you called me all excited that you'd be getting the ACE award. Man, I wish I had your life force in a bottle. It was so strong.

Thank you for sending the people my way when I needed them. Lori...calling me every day to check on me. "Hi this is Lori Erter from the West Jeff Post" I'd hear on my machine every day. She is to this day such a dear friend. Jose, my movie buddy, who is full of such positive energy. Beth, such a wonderful friend who never judged me but always loved me...I could go on...they are all part of my heart now. And like I've said before, thank you for sending Todd...who makes me feel good about being me, who isn't threatened by your presence but prideful of you, and who has bonded with your dad in a way that I can't explain....wow life is weird. You know? Your dad and my mom are doing great.....always lovey dovey and gross. Little Joey is adorable and the kids love their little cousin. The kids saw the ocean for the first time this past summer. I don't know if I ever wrote about that. It was classic, they got in the ocean and immediately started spitting because of the salt...they had no idea it would taste like salt and i never thought to warn them. We went on jet skis and Noah went parasailing. We had so much fun. I love life through the eyes of the kids.

As you know, the kids are thriving. They take skating lessons, which they love. Kyra had a pretty big part in the school play. She's so beautiful, intiuitive and smart. Christian is completely obsessed with football. I love that he can remember just about any random fact....if I need to know something, I ask Christian. He misses you a lot...there are some things that will trigger him. Such as a Veggie Tales cd that I got for the kids...he didn't want to listen to it because it reminded him of you because you guys used to watch it. Broke my heart. Noah is typical youngest kid...a little ham and already has crushes on girls. They are all a tight knit group of siblings. Great kids, they make my world turn.

Life is about the living. We all will have our time to die, and right now is my and the kids time to live. I am going to make the best out of it...I am going to give them amazing memories and hopefully raise them so that when they are adults, they will be fullfilled, happy, and make the right choices. Pretty much like you were. Sometimes I envy you because I bet its a lot better where you are. Just watching the news freaks me out a lot. I guess one day I'll understand why things are the way they are. Until then, I'll keep on truckin. I don't know how many people read this page anymore...I wish I had written more in it over the years. I want everyone to remember that life is short....I didnt know it when you were alive, but I only got to know you for a very short time. Embrace your life, everyone....if Frank's death teaches you anything besides to NEVER drink and drive....learn that you've got to enjoy every moment with the people you love, and don't take them for granted. And for those of you that have suffered a loss....you find strength and a positive attitude will get you through it....I suppose I am a sap today. I had some alone time and now I'm off.....we love and miss you. Thanks for blessing us with your love.---K

Krissy

January 15, 2006

Just to let you know that you are not forgotten. I am glad to have an angel like you watching over us.

Ptl. J. Howell
Lancaster PD

January 13, 2006

Hi Frankie,
I never knew you but I think and dream of you often. I found the love of my life after you passed. My husband Dan worked with you, He knew you and worked with you every day. The night you passed was a very hard night. I don't think Dan has ever lost anything in his life until this night. He has lost family members and such, but nobody that stood for the same thing as he did. Dan was at the hospital almost less than an hour after your accident and he seen Krissy and he wanted to just hold her and say he was sorry but she had so much to consume at one time. Dan and all the guys from the post look after her and think she is the most incredible woman they will ever meet. we will take care of her. They so miss you Frankie and you are always in their thoughts always and forever!

Nikkie Finnell
State Highway Patro;

January 4, 2006

Hi Frankie,
I never knew you but I think and dream of you often. I found the love of my life after you passed. My husband Dan worked with you, He knew you and worked with you every day. The night you passed was a very hard night. I don't think Dan has ever lost anything in his life until this night. He has lost family members and such, but nobody that stood for the same thing as he did. Dan was at the hospital almost less than an hour after your accident and he seen Krissy and he wanted to just hold her and say he was sorry but she had so much to consume at one time. Dan and all the guys from the post look after her and think she is the most incredible woman they will ever meet. we will take care of her. They so miss you Frankie and you are always in their thoughts always and forever!

Nikkie Finnell

January 4, 2006

WE WILL NEVER FORGET U!!!! HAPPY NEW YEAR IN HEAVEN.

December 31, 2005

HAPPY NEW YEAR FRANK!!!

December 31, 2005

MERRY CHRISTMAS UP THERE!!

December 27, 2005

Thinking of you and your family this season and remembering the good times. Thanks again Krissy for sharing him with us, and Thank-you Frank for your sacrifice.You and your wife and children will never be forgotten!!

OSP

December 26, 2005

MERRY CHRISTMAS...

Officer Jim Gilbert
CPD

December 24, 2005

Thinking of you this holiday season. Rest in peace.

December 20, 2005

I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving!!!!A fallen officer should never be forgotten!!!!!!!!god bless you!!!

December 9, 2005

To the family and friends of Trooper Frank Vazquez and his fellow officers, and most especially to Trooper Vazquez himself:

On this the fourth anniversary week of your tragic death, please know that you are remembered and honored. Your courage and dedication will never be forgotten.

Rest in peace, Trooper Vazquez.

May your family continue to be supported by their law enforcment family, and other police survivors.
The loving reflections left by your wife and children profoundly touched me...I especially liked the butterfly analogy. I hope God continues to hold you all in his warm embrace.

This reflection is sent with the utmost respect for the distinquished years of service Trooper Vazquez gave to his community and the citizens of Ohio, and the supreme sacrifice he and his family made on November 6, 2001.

Phyllis Loya, mother of fallen officer Larry Lasater, Pittsburg PD, eow 4/24/05

November 8, 2005

Krissy,
I just read a small portion of what's
been going on in your lives these
past 4 years. It's difficult to even
contemplate the hurt you and your
kids have experienced. I'm happy
for you that you found another to love
and to love you and your kids in
return. How blessed you are. I wish
you much happiness in the future!
Lynn Kole
Bellingham, WA

November 6, 2005

With the 4th anniversary of you being called away from duty, I wanted to leave a reflection to say that you have not been forgotten and are a true hero. Keep watch over your family and those still out on patrol.

Bob Gordon, father of fallen officer Michael P. Gordon, EOW: 8/8/04

Bob Gordon

November 4, 2005

Frankie,
Still thinking of you after the years. Remember that night in the hospital like it was yesterday. Please keep up the Angel visits, we can all use the reminder that you are with us!

Krissy,
Thank you for sharing him with us, then and now. God Bless your family.

Officer
OSU PD

November 1, 2005

Krissy,
I just read your last reflection left for Frank and it sealed what I have always believed. When your little girl,who knew nothing about how you felt that night you cried yourself to sleep,told you the next day her Daddy told her that you were not a bad person....WOW. How powerful is that.And how very comforting to know Frank has been with you and the kids since that fateful night.I'm not an overly religious person,but I do believe people's spirits live on and that we all have guardian angels. What a guardian angel you and your children have. A very strong and noble man.His love for his family was and still is so very strong.I drive on 270 several times a week and everytime I drive on "Frank's stretch of road" I say a small prayer for you and your family.Your strength is inspiring.God Bless you and yours.

Anonymous

October 18, 2005

Hey you,
I'm sick. :( Which means another late night because I really need to rest, but I can't, because I feel so sick. I'm thinking a lot about Sara and tomorrow marking one year since Brandy was taken and I'm feeling really sad for her, the kids, and his family right now. It's such a terrible, awful situation. For every officer's name on this site, there's a family hurting. I was over there yesterday and she's making scrapbooks for COPS. Even in her time of pain, she wants to help COPS. That's so amazing. Her kids are so freaking cute, too.

We've been watching the video the post gave me after you died. It's a video of some of your stops. There's one guy who said he was trying to become a trooper and you gave him advice about getting in shape. You said "I used to run a lot, but then I got married." Nice one! You told him to eat a lot of chicken, mashed potatoes, and drink only water. The mashed potatoes part was funny, but this was before the big anti-carb craze hit the scene. There's another part where you are looking at this car that's parked and I'm not really sure what made you mad but you said "Fuuuuuuudge." There's another part where you're singing to yourself. Those are great. I don't remember you saying "Fudge" a lot but it's funny because I say "Fudge" sometimes when I'm mad, and then Brandee always says "Only I didn't say fudge" from A Christmas Story. And you know what? Everytime I hear someone say "Detroit" I immediately think to myself "Dee-troit....where Mo-Town was started!" because you'd say that EVERYTIME you saw, read, or heard the word "Detroit." So it's eternally stuck in my head.

We watched the slideshow from the funeral home and a little bit of the funeral. I saw myself walking into the building on the tape and heck if I remember that moment. I don't remember how I got there, I guess it was a limo but I honestly have no memory. I saw Suzanne and my mom and my sister, who had her hand on my back, and Lt Lee but I have no memory of that moment. I know I woke up that morning with dry heaves and the pain was unbearable.

Something has happened to me this year in the "grieving process" which is so very different for every person. I am finally able to watch the videos. I can talk about you, I can write about you, I am finally ready to accept that you have died. Even just writing or saying the word "died." I would always say "when it happened" not "when Frank died." Maybe accept is the wrong word. I accepted that you died, but I didn't deal with it. I think before I thought if I didn't think about it, it would be less painful for me. . You know at the house, which we had just moved into, I never really finished unpacking. There's still boxes in the basement and I never went through them. I never did wash the clothes I had of yours. The red towel you used. I have a baggie of your hair that you cut off. You left it in a pile in the garage. You cut your hair in the garage. wierdo.

We had a poker game last night at the house. Todd said you were messing with the lights again. Kind of like when Suzanne and I were playing with that goofy "oracle" book and I asked it if you were in the room. You freaked us out! After you died, I bought a ton of books about the afterlife. They had all of these different ideas. I even went to see a psychic. She knew some stuff, and I don't know how she could have known it.....I still don't know if she's for real but it was weird. I had that one dream where you were hugging me and I could feel your vest and you were wearing your uniform and gun belt and it was so real. Even now, I find myself so curious about what you're doing, like I said the last time I wrote. I tell the kids it's like a butterfly. Where the catapillar has no idea what it's like to fly, but a butterfly can remember being a catapillar, but it also has the ability to fly and explore things and places it never could as a catapillar. It can still go to all the places it went to as a catapillar but there's so much more beauty to be seen as a butterfly. And there's really no way for the catapillar to know what it's like to be a butterfly until they come out of that cocoon.

And I know I can't spell for crap anymore.

I don't know if I ever talked about this on here, but I tell this story a lot because it's amazing. One night, about a month after you died, I cried myself to sleep. I felt very unsure about doing everything by myself and I thought I sucked, to be honest. I didn't know if I was making the right choices, and I didn't have confidence or pride in myself anymore. I fell asleep thinking, I'm a bad person."

Got up the next morning and I was making the kids some breakfast. I was standing at the stove, talking to them. I turned to Kyra, who was 3 at the time. I asked "so did you have any dreams last night?" She said "I had a dream about daddy." I thought, that's so cool! I said "what happened" She said "He came in my window and hugged me and talked to me."

I said "What did you talk about?" She said "He said he loves us and to tell you that you're not a bad person."

It was so amazing. Ok, she was THREE. And it was exactly what I needed to hear to get me through that day. You are so awesome, that you did that.

Again, thank you for these beautiful kids. They are AMAZING! They start ice skating next week!!

What is it like? To fly above us, looking at us ugly slow catapillars while you soar the beautiful skies?

Keep an eye on our three little catapillars.

Krissy

October 14, 2005

Krissy,

As I'm sure you're aware, I'm no longer w/the patrol. I actually just quit working for the state to attend school full time. I'm working on a veterinary medicine degree, now that Sam is 10. However, I think of you and the kids often and check this webpage alot. I'm sooo glad to hear that you and the kids are doing so well. I just wanted to say that I think of Frank, you and the kids daily,(especially this time of year). Sorry I didn't keep in contact but you know how things get. I have not gone a day without thinking of you guys. Keep your chin up and congratulations on your marriage! You deserved another great man, and from the sound of it, he fills the boots just perfect. Take care of everyone! Congratulations again!!! I admire you for everything you've done!!!

Katie R.
Ex-Dispatcher
OSHP West Jefferson

October 3, 2005

hi how are you i am fine 3 days ago was my brithday . how is bayly
are you with gary?
bye!
i love you

Christian

September 28, 2005