Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

Well Jesse it has been a little bit since I have sat down to chat again sorry about that! I must say that i'm comming to a point where I think I have seen enough officers that I know and have been around pass away. Its very depressing to be honest. Your doing one heck of a job keeping an eye on the family from above. Its comming up on the time for all the families of fallen officers to pay there respects in DC. I'm sure Carin will be her strong and caring self in DC. I looked at your coin today and though of how much you had accomplished and taught me about life and the job. Well my friend if you find time I could use a little light from about soon and some of your shelter. God Bless all and I like the new picture alot. Give Lenny a hug from me. Thanks

Carin's friend forever

April 25, 2007

Jes~

I saw these lyrics on another officer's site and wanted to put them here for you. It's a song called "If You Came Back From Heaven" by Morgan Lorrie.

I wouldn't know what to say
I wouldn't know what to do
If you came back from Heaven
And I could look at you.
Would I fumble for the words?
Would I be a little shy?
Would I bust right out with laughter?
Or break right down and cry?

Oh, if you came back from Heaven
Would it be like it was then?
Could we just pick up, where we left off
And try it all again?
Oh, if you came back from Heaven
It would freeze me in my tracks
And I hope God knows, if He let you go
I'd never send you back

Do your kisses feel the same?
Do you still have the same touch?
And will you whisper softly
'Coz you've missed me so much?
Have you heard all my prayers
When I lay down at night?
And did you feel my body
When I held your pillow tight?

Oh, if you came back from Heaven
Would it be like it was then?
Could we just pick up, where we left off
And try it all again?
Oh, if you came back from Heaven
It would freeze me in my tracks
And I hope God knows, if He let you go
I'd never send you back

And if, God forbid, you leave this earth again while I see
I hope He knows if you go, you'll be bringing me

Oh, if you came back from Heaven
Would it be like it was then?
Could we just pick up, where we left off
And try it all again?
Oh, if you came back from Heaven
It would freeze me in my tracks
And I hope God knows, if He let you go
I'd never send you back

I miss you and love you, Jes. Always and forever.
~ Carin

April 25, 2007

Hey Jes ~

I just finished reading a book called "Love You, Mean It" written by four 9/11 widows - it was like reading my own words, my own thoughts and feelings. It's amazing how the experience of being a widow is so similar for women who are otherwise so very different. I found so much hope in reading this book, I would recommend it to anyone who has suffered a loss and is looking for understanding, consolation or inspiration.

There was one phrase that stood out to me, Jes, and I wanted to put it here. They said that even though they've made it so far in the years since the deaths of their husbands, they still acknowledge the distance left to travel. "The longing doesn't go away. There will always be loss written into our hearts. But we have come a great distance - the pain is finally beginning to cool. It lives on a deeper level now, like strata in rock, not visible on the surface, but always there, keeping us grounded, giving us the stability to stand taller."

I really understand what they mean by that. I feel your loss, every minute of every day - your absence from our home and from our lives is palpable. But in so many ways you are still here, still with me and the kids - not a day goes by that we don't talk about you. The kids talk about you freely and easily - your memories have become such an important part of our lives. You are still part of our family (and always will be) and I do feel stronger because of all we've been through and while I never would have chosen this path, loss has given me a bravery and courage that I never knew I had.

The widows go on to say "There can be hope after grief. Surround yourself with love. Immerse yourself in the many things that make life, not just bearable, but worth it. Don't close doors. In fact - do the opposite - keep flinging them open. Cherish the love you receive. Remember, the heart's capacity for love is unending. Make the decision to live. It would be wrong not to." I think I'm going to print this out and put it somewhere where I can see it every day - as a reminder to keep hoping and living and to make life worth it. For me, for the kids, and for your memory.

I love you, Jes. Always and forever I love you.
~ Carin

April 12, 2007

Happy Easter my friend...I know you will have a hard day today...although the dates are not the same, it is still the holiday that wasn't....I remember getting back to Virginia from NC...everyone had been so nice to the kids, bringing them Easter baskets...I don't think it was until weeks later that I realized that Easter had come and gone that weekend...And Jesse was just taken that Friday...Good Friday....funny huh? We buried Drew and you lost Jesse...hardly seems "good" to me...I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and Savannah and Jacob...I hope you will have some fun today...and smile one time for me!! Much love sister, Chrissy

April 8, 2007

Hey Jes ~

Happy Easter. Or like you used to say - Happy Bunny Day. It's hard to get into the spirit of Easter - you were shot on Good Friday so Easter Sunday brings back a lot of pretty bad memories for me. But as with everything else, I need to do what is best for the kids so I'm doing what I can to make this weekend good for them.

I'm sure you already know this, but an FBI agent from the Newark office was shot and killed this past week. "H" worked with him for years, and is taking it pretty hard. I'm going to wait until after the funeral and then will reach out to his widow. It's hard to believe that when you died there wasn't anyone in this area who could understand what I was going through - now, 2 years later, there are 3 of us. What is going on?

Anyway, I just wanted to stop in and tell you that I love you and miss you. The kids each picked out something special for you for Easter, and we brought them to you today - I hope you liked them.

Love you, Jes. Always and forever.
~ Carin

April 7, 2007

Just thinking of you today and of the sacrifice you made to our community. Your family continues to live in the hearts of Pennsylvanians. There are not enough "thank you's"...

Lehigh Valley citizen

April 1, 2007

Carin,

I think of you and the kids often. I have followed what the media prints and what family and friends say, and I'm impressed by the way you handle yourself. Your a Great Mother, and a Great person,but I already knew that. I offer my continued friendship should you need anything or assistance of any kind. Always, Bobby.

Senior Patrolman Robert P. Gleisberg
Egg Harbor Township Police, NJ

March 31, 2007

Jes,
Just wanted to catch you up on the past weeks events. On Sunday we placed flowers on the alter at church in your memory, and I asked the minister to include the song "On Eagles Wings" in the service. Mom and I can never seem to sing the words because we become to emotional, but we feel that God meant that song just for you. Fly away on eagles wings my beloved son, fly away. Carin and the kids have the flowers, we took them home after the church service. I went down to center square to be with your friends from the department on Sunday afternoon. They invited a minister to lead us in a memorial service to remember you on the second anniversary of your E.O.W. There were about 30 people there, just the guys from the job, no politicians, and it was nice. Mom and I put some flowers on the Police Memorial in the square, and then I went to visit you. I left you some more flowers, and the guys from the department, along with their families were stopping all day long to be with you and have a beer. It was a really bad day for us, but I know you are watching over us.

There are so many funny stories that the guys remember about you, and when something out of the ordinary happens someone will say "he pulled a Jesse". I have been concerned that as everyone goes on with their own lives these stories about you will slowly be lost in peoples memories, and I am going to try to prevent that. I suggested to Nick that we have a get-together this summer at my house to reminisce about the past. We can video tape the get-together and save the tape for the children when they get older. That way they will have a lasting record of their dad. I intend to supply the refreshments and the guys from the department the memories. I know you will get a laugh about that.

I have to go now son. Mom and I love you. God bless!!

Mom & Dad

March 29, 2007

I haven't been on here in some time but I saw the article in the Morning Call and wanted to drop by to support Carin. I always come on here when I feel bad about my life. Reading Carin's posts always brings me to tears and makes me realize my life is not so bad. Carin, keep on keeping on doing what you are doing. We are behind you 100%. You are an amazingly strong woman and will help your children get through it. Good Luck with the lawsuit. I think 20 million is not enough to replace what you and the children have lost. But it will make a statement. God Bless.

a regular visitor to Jesse's reflections

March 29, 2007

I wanted to take a moment to say thank you to everyone for all of the support and kindness you have shown over the past few days - I truly appreciate it. This has been an incredibly rough 2 years and the journey is only barely beinning, please know that your caring thoughts and words help sustain me through my darkest hours.

To the EPD wife who left the below reflection - thank you so much. Since Jesse died it seems like on the days when I feel that I can't go on, someone reaches out to me and lifts me up with their kindness. Your reflection posted on one of those days. God bless you.

With warmest appreciation
~ Carin, Savannah and Jacob

March 29, 2007

Hey Carin...How are you holding up this week? Boy this month sucks doesn't it?! And yet we have come so far...how did we get here? I just wanted to leave you a note to say I was thinking of you today, as usual! I know that Jesse is smiling down on you with pride! I wish I could send you a hug from him, but I will leave that to him (hint hint Jess)...take care girl...love you...me

March 28, 2007

I can't believe that it has been more than two years. This is the first time I am writing, but I read this sight at least three times a week. My husband was there with you the day you died, he was there for you and your family on that horrible day, making sure that you were all treated with the utmost respect and dignity. I was outside playing with my kids when you flew over my house, (it wasn't until a short while later that I found out it was you) and to this day, whenever I hear a helicopter go over me, I look up and remember that day, those moments, those thoughts, those feelings. You are missed by so many, and you are so deeply respected by the men you worked alongside. May you rest in peace and continue to guide your family through life.

Carin,
You are amazing. I wanted to tell you that at the Christmas party, but you don't really know who I am although our husbands worked together for many years (we sort of keep to ourselves). You made a touching gesture a few years back at one of those parties when I was with the kids and my husband was home sick. You made sure Jesse helped me and the kids, the stroller and their gifts to the car in the parking garage before you left. It didn't seem like much, but it was amazingly considerate and I and my husband have always remembered that. My heart bleeds for you on a regular basis because I could not begin to imagine what you are going through and how you get up everyday. Continue to be strong for those beautiful children. I can understand the anger you portrayed in your most recent post, and I cannot blame you. I have been angry for two years, and probably always will because I cannot understand how someone could be so careless. But I often wonder why it was Jesse and not my husband, God must have a reason. I don't know if anyone will ever understand what that reason is, but if we don't believe he has a reason than we have no faith. Sometimes I feel guilty because I still have my entire family and you have to raise yours alone, I am so sorry that it had to happen and although I know I can't make it better, I truly wish there was a way to give you back the life you had and deserve.

March 26, 2007

"My Old Friend"

My old friend, I recall
The times we had hanging on my wall
I wouldn't trade them for gold
Cause they laugh and they cry me
Somehow sanctify me
They're woven in the stories I have told
And tell again

My old friend, I apologize
For the years that have passed
Since the last time you and I
Dusted off those memories
But the running and the races
The people and the places
There's always somewhere else I had to be
Time gets slim, my old friend

Don't know why, don't know why
Don't know why, don't know why

My old friend, this song's for you
Cause a few simple verses
Was the least that I could do
To tell the world that you were here
Cause the love and the laughter
Will live long after
All of the sadness and the tears
We'll meet again, my old friend

Goodbye, goodbye
Goodbye, goodbye

My old friend, my old friend
Goodbye, goodbye

Officer Dominick Marraccini
Easton Police Department, Easton, PA

March 26, 2007

Hey pal...

Two years have passed since that horrible day Jes and it still feels like yesterday. I can't believe that you have been gone that long. I miss you every day. Work just isn't the same without you there. Carin is doing such a good job with the kids, I'm sure you are just so proud of her. I can just see you looking down on her with that big goofy grin of yours. You always knew how to make everybody smile. Give Carin the strength to see this thing through Jes. She needs you more now than ever. I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you and miss you pal. Give Colton a hug for me... I love you and miss you Jes...

Officer Dominick Marraccini
Easton Police Department, Easton, PA

March 26, 2007

Carin...I know how hard this day is for you...my heart and prayers are with you and the kids today and always...can you believe it's been 2 years...2 years ago today we buried Drew...some days it feels like yesterday...but we are surviving, you and I....and we keep them alive in our hearts forever...we keep them alive in our children....I love you my sister, my friend...always, me

March 26, 2007

I look forward to being in Washington DC for the wonderful memorial for all fallen officers. Thank you for your prayers Carin and I pray for you and your children too. You are so strong and have made it so far. I noticed the date and wanted to let you know I am thinking of you. "I know what I am planning for you...'I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you. I will give you hope and a good future'" Jeremiah 29:11

Laurie Ballard, widow
Pasadena PD, Kyle Ballard EOW 2/24/06

March 26, 2007

Jesse
Wow its been two years since you were taken from your life, I just don't understand why? You are wonderful person and its just not fair. My heart goes out to carin and your children, it must be hard for them. Well i just want you to know that you will never be forgotten by anyone,you have touched so many people's lifes. Just do me one favor and watch over your family they really need you to keep them safe. I could go on and on about how much you are missed but i am sure you already know that.

Missed dearly
Kris S

KRIS S
FRIEND

March 25, 2007

I can't believe it's been two years since you were taken from your loved ones. It feels like a really bad dream, because I can remember when we used to talk about our bright futures in our new calling, POLICE OFFICERS. I was looking through some old photos of our party in the park, somewhere in Middlesex County, and I came across a photo of you and the rest of our academy class just enjoying some cold beers and the future seemed so bright. Rest in Peace my brother, I will never forget you. God Bless you and your family.

Det. Raul Hernandez
Newark Police Department

March 25, 2007

On this, the second anniversary of your passing, we pause to remember. We remember not only the officer, but the man.
It is in his memory that we continue on.

Master Trooper
Virginia State Police

March 25, 2007

Cant believe it's been two years now, Jess. I still remember where I was and what I was doing when I got that horrible news. I'll never forget. It seems I'm always metioning your name and bringing you up in conversations as if you were still here with us. I really miss our friendship. You'll never be forgotten, and are always missed.

Mike C.

March 25, 2007

Heyy Uncle Jesse!
Its Lexie, daughter of Tracy and Art. I cant belive its been two years since your gone. I miss you soo much! Ive been thinking about you alot! And i wish you were here. Im 12 turning 13 in June. Im in 7th grade and play some sports. I play Field Hockey in the fall and basketball in winter. I made the team for Field Hockey but not for basket ball, but i keep trying for basketball! In about 2 weeks im going to Florida to visit Mike! He's in the airforce now stationed at Hurlburt Field. I cant wait to see him again. I remeber when Mike was still here and we visited Savannah and Jacob and Aunt Carin, and Jacob would always call him Big Mike haha. Now whenever Jacob sees him he calls him Uncle Art because he looks alot like my dad! Were coming to see you today! Then were going to Aunt Carins for a bit. After that were going to Aunt Holly's. I wish you were here. I miss when you used to go up to my mom and would say shes my mommy! and id get soo mad at you! haha. My parents are doing fine me my mom and vince just visited aunt carin yesterday. Vince is doing fine hes got braces and is doing ok with his diabetes. ok well i think im going to go! Bye uncle Jesse I miss you and love you! Love always,
Lexie Holzheimer

March 25, 2007

May you rest in peace and may Our Lord wrap His arms especially tightly around your wife and children today and in the future.May they find comfort in knowing that they, and you, are held in the thoughts and prayers of som many people.G-d Bless.

March 25, 2007

You are thought of often, and sooooo missed.

CPL Wayne Smith
Palmer Township Police Department

March 25, 2007

Your death Jesse has bought more questions than answers. Will we ever know why? I think the search for that answer will take a lifetime. What I do know is that your death has changed the lives of so, so many people, so deeply. These two years have been very hard for very many people, your beautiful family for one, Carin, Savannah and Jacob. Your fellow Easton Police officers, they loved you Jesse. I pray that for those who have been touched by your death find peace not in the quest for an answer, but in your everlasting spirit and unforgetable memories. You may have been too young to die, but your lifetime of accomplishments speak to a higher authority.

March 25, 2007

Jes ~

Two years.

Two very long years without you.

I miss you very much, Jes. I miss so many things, things that made us "us". I miss how you used to come home all wound up after defensive tactics training, how you'd try different pressure points on me or different maneuvers (remember when I got you with the soapy sponge?)......I miss your silliness, how you used to dance around and make funny noises......I miss you calling me "mama" - I almost can't remember you calling me anything other than that......I miss you calling the kids "Rosie" and "Jajo", always so loud like we're all deaf or something......I miss going to restaurants with you, watching you enjoy a good meal and a nice cold beer......I miss your goodness, your love of life and of your family......I miss your sensitivity, how you weren't ashamed to cry.

I miss the life we used to have. It wasn't easy - I was always so tired from working nightshift, we rarely had much time together and the kids were just babies and demanded so much - but we both knew that if we just stuck it out for a few years things would get easier. We kept our eyes on the goal - we did what needed to be done because we knew in the long run it would all work out. We made so many sacrifices, Jesse, and for what?!?!?

It makes me so mad when I think of how hard you worked for us - how hard you worked to make a good life for me and the kids only to have it all stolen away from you.

For someone else's carelessness to cost you so very much.

For one moment of negligence to erase an entire lifetime.

I sit here, looking at your pictures and plaques and awards, and I can't believe you are really gone. You were invincible, Jes. You were larger-than-life. Nothing could ever hurt you.

At least that is what I used to believe.

But now you are gone, and I am left here alone to raise our kids. I miss you, Jes. I really, really miss you.

And the kids miss you. I told Jacob the other day how proud you were of him, that you were watching him all the time and that you loved him and he said he knew when you were hugging him because he felt "hot" - his eyes got red and his face got all flushed like he was going to cry and he said that when he felt hot it was because his daddy angel was there, hugging him and making him feel that way. It's hard to keep it together when he says stuff like that, but I want him to believe that you are there. I want them both to believe that you are there.

Savannah has a book about Heaven that Dianne got her right after you died, and I find it all over the house - she reads it all the time. She really needs you.

Please be their guardian angel, Jes. Please be there for them when they need you. Please be there when I need you. Please stay with us.

I love you, Jes. I've loved you since the first moment I saw you and I will continue to love you for all of eternity. Always and forever, Jes. Always and forever.

~ Carin

March 24, 2007