Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

Police Officer Jesse Erick Sollman

Easton Police Department, Pennsylvania

End of Watch Friday, March 25, 2005

Leave a Reflection

Reflections for Police Officer Jesse Erick Sollman

Hi Savannah,
I cannot believe you are in 3rd grade, wow!I remember when my kids were your age and it doesn't seem that long ago. A blink of the eye and all this time has past. Just remember one thing, your dad was a great guy and loved by all. He will always, always, always be remembered. You and your mom and Jacob are always in our thoughts and prayers.

Easton PD Wife

October 23, 2007

I Want You To Love by George Canyon

When she got the news
The phone hit the floor
She fell to her knees and cried his name
He had just kissed her lips
And both of the kids
their lives will never be the same
At the end of her hardest day
The only words she could say were

I want you to live, I want you to love
I want to go back to the way it was
To hear you say my name again
I want to see your smile again
I want you to live

It takes all of her strength to go through his things
It feels like she's holding him again
The letters he wrote, the books that he'd read
and some of his shirts still have his scent
The picture in Florida
she holds to her heart and cries out loud

I want you to live, I want you to love
I want to go back to the way it was
To hear you say my name again
I want to see your smile again
I want you to live

Lying awake in the middle of the night
Trying not to let the kids hear her cry
She prays for answers or some little sign
She closes her eyes
and swears she hears him say

I want you to live, I want you to love
I want you to go on and not give up
I want you to live, I want you to try
I want you to know that I'm alright
I want you to fall in love again
I want to see you smile again and again
I want you to live......

October 18, 2007

Hey Daddy Im in third grade now and Im going to turn 9 soon we left some pumpkins for you at your grave and Im being a diva for Halloween and Jacob is a clonetropper ever since he watched STAR WARS he has been adicted to it so ill talk to you later

Love you,Savannah

P.S YOUR ALAWYS IN OUR HEART

Savannah

October 15, 2007

Carin,

its been a while since I have been here. I loved your Jesse story with the red shirt. It reminds me of something I would have done and of course gotten an ear full for. Thanks for sharing it with the rest of us. I know things probably are not any easier for youbut you will make it. Talk to you soon.

cw
department of public safety

October 12, 2007

Hi Carin,
Today would have been Dave's 33 Birthday. I was just leaving a reflection on his page, so I thought I'd visit Jesse's page. I think of you and the kids so often and I'm sorry I don't try and touch base more. I know I flip back and forth from wanting to talk to everyone that will listen to not wanting to talk to anyone...don't know if you go thru those stages or not too. Just know that I think of you and the kids and wish that both of our lives weren't so hard. That our lives weren't so lonely without our guys here to drive us crazy. Hang in there you, as I will try also and take care of yourself. I'm thinking of you as many others are.
LUMI,
Jess


Widow of David Petzold EOW 11-9006

October 8, 2007

Mrs. Sollman,
Thank you for sharing with us that "Jesse" story. It keeps his memory alive and his legacy going strong for us in the Lehigh Valley who consider him a hero forever.

Lehigh Valley citizen

October 8, 2007

I was going through Jacob's closet today and came across Jesse's red Polo shirt and stood there laughing at the memory behind that shirt, so I wanted to come here and leave a Jesse story.

Jesse loved Polo - Polo clothing, Polo cologne. Anything Polo. So back in November of 2004 I had a coupon for a free portrait package from JC Penney and decided that we would have a family picture done. The kids and I all had a red shirt so I figured that we would all wear jeans and red shirts. Jesse didn't have a red shirt so when we got to the mall I told him to run and buy one while I filled out the paperwork for the pictures. So off he goes.......10 minutes goes by, 20 minutes, 30 minutes.....almost 45 minutes later I finally see him coming back through Penney's - really hustling - carrying a Macy's bag. He walked all the way to the other side of the Lehigh Valley Mall to get an $85.00 Polo shirt from Macy's. He claimed that he looked in Penney's but all they had was "burgundy". I tried to tell him that he just defeated the purpose of the FREE portrait package, but it didn't matter to him.

I love that picture of us and smile every time I look at it because of that shirt. Jesse knew what he liked - Polo, Geoffrey Beene, UnderArmour, Oakley sunglasses, nice shoes, good beer - and he didn't hesitate to spend money on those things. That is a lesson that I am still learning from him - to enjoy, savor and appreciate life. To not rush through it unaware, to not always be thinking about tomorrow but to take the time to enjoy today. Jesse enjoyed every day. He lived every moment to it's fullest. I just wish he'd had more of them, and I wish he was still here to be enjoying them with me and the kids.

Always and Forever, Jes.
~ Carin

October 3, 2007

Carin, Just wanted to stop in and say a prayer for Jesse and you and the kids of course. As I read your reflections, it makes me realize, mostly because I can, as I am looking and reflecting in, while you are really going through all of this that, you are building your new life. It is just so sad that is is without Jesse, each minute of each day is one small step and each new day brings a new leaf to your life. One day I think you'll wake up and realize that it is here, and what is even really very sad is that you'll realize it has been here all along, or at least for awhile. Just like how fast the time has gone, and how big both Jacob and Savannah have grown, you'll realize you are in your life, that the limbo that you talk about, was never really present it just felt like it because Jesse was not there to share your life with you. I think all the time how hard it must be for you. I think and pray about you and the kids often, and I just want you to know that Jesse's memory will never be forgotten. I hope and pray that somehow, someday you'll find peace. If for nothing else that you know that people care.

Easton PD Wife

October 3, 2007

Hey Jes ~

You've been gone 2 1/2 years. It's still so hard to believe.

Jacob started kindergarten. He was really ready for it - I actually think he is ready to be in school all day, he gets so bored in the afternoon home here by himself. I wish you could have seen him that first morning, waiting for the bus with his little backpack looking so grown up. He was fine until the bus stopped and it was actually time to get on - then his face got all flushed like it does when he going to cry and he started to grab onto my leg but Savannah took his hand and said "come on, Jake!" and then he was fine. I'm so glad he got the morning program because Savannah could walk him to his classroom those first couple days of school, I think if he had to ride the bus by himself and walk into school alone he would have been really scared. I thought I'd really have a problem getting him up and out of here so early, but it's been a surprisingly easy adjustment for him (easier than it was for Savannah, actually). And he is playing soccer now, too. It's his first organized sport and he's doing really well. His coach is really nice and he's having a lot of fun.

Savannah is in 3rd grade, which is really hard for me to believe because it seems like just yesterday she was starting kindergarten. She is doing awesome as usual, she is so smart and just loves school you would be so proud of her - I tell her all the time how proud you would be. She loves to read chapter books now, and she reads really fast just like me. She's also playing soccer and has a fantastic coach this year - he's the most serious, hard-core coach she has had so far and he is really challenging her. She's played goalie for 1/2 of all 3 games so far and has yet to be scored on. She's aggressive when she plays, but still sportsmanlike (which I tell her is most important).

Last week Savannah asked if we could bring you some pumpkins, which we did, and when we were leaving she leaned over and hugged your headstone. Moments like that open the wounds in my heart all over again, as fresh as they were right after you died. Today was show and tell for Jacob and he was supposed to bring in a picture of his family. I let him pick which picture to bring, and he picked one of the 3 of us at a pumpkin patch last year. When he came home I asked him about it and he told me that he told his class he has a mommy and a sister but that he doesn't have a daddy. He said he left out the sad part about you being in Heaven because he didn't want to cry.

We miss you, Jes. Fall is coming which is my favorite time of year, when the leaves change and the days are sunny and cool - it makes me think of living in our old house, on nice days like that we'd be outside all day. We'd tie Finn up outside and you'd do yardwork and the kids would play and we'd cook on the grill. Those days seem so long ago in a life that doesn't even seem to be mine anymore.

I just finished reading a book called "A New Kind of Normal: Hope-Filled Choices When Life Turns Upside Down" and it was really good. There was one quote in the book that says "How do we get to the morning, to the sunshine, to the joy? There is only one way. By waiting for it. We can't hurry the dawn, no matter how anxiously we pace the floor or how impatiently we watch the clock. And so the question is not do we wait or not wait, because waiting is all we can do. The question is, How will we wait? Will we wait well......or will we wait poorly?" I think this is probably the most difficult part of all of this for me - I feel like I'm living my life in a limbo 'waiting' for the big moment when everything will be O.K. again, when my life will be 'normal' again. But the truth is, it will never be what it was before - all the plans, all the hopes and all the dreams are gone. The life you and I had together is gone and I have to somehow build a new one. But you know me - I read the last page of a book first and need to know how the movie ends before I watch it. I'm trying very hard to trust that everything will work out and the kids and I will be fine I just wish I knew exactly how and when - it would certainly make it easier to wait if I knew all the answers.

We love you, Jes, and miss you all the time.
Always and Forever
~ Carin

September 24, 2007

"My Prayers"
by the Women of Faith Worship Team

May the sun wake you every day
With sounds of life and words of thanks
That love is here to stay
Enjoy each moment as it comes
Always remember where you come from
And never be ashamed
And may you learn to just let go
When it's out of your hands
And find peace down every road

I know, I know, I know
that you wonder what your tomorrows hold
I know, I know, I know
Down whatever road you may go
My love is there
These are my prayers

That you'd find friends who you can trust
And don't be afraid to fall in love
Cause love is the one thing
That's sure as the stars are gonna shine
Don't ever leave your dreams behind
Stand up for what you believe
And take the time to see the good
It's everywhere
And find your passion, live your truth

Every night I pray
Every step you take
Brings you closer to
All I've hoped and prayed for you

Carin, I thought of you when I heard this song and hope you know how many people think about you and the kids. I hope you find the peace and happiness you are looking for. God bless you, Savannah and Jacob.

September 21, 2007

Hi Carin!

It has been some time since I posted. I am sorry I missed your birthday! I am so mad at myself. I forgot we both have our birthdays in September. You 39, me 40...........ugh! LOL! Anyway, Happy Belated Birthday! We will celebrate our old age when I come to your house you know when for you know what!! Heehee! Wine, good food and friends and our first time meeting. I am a cry baby so be prepared!

I loved your story about the grill! That is exactly how David is!!!! He thinks too much! I just jump right in!

I am also very sad to read your other posts. You are not alone girl. NO way, no how. We are all here for you. You are an amazing woman. You are a wonderful Mother. Jes will guide you through. He already has! Life is short hon and Jes would want you to live it.

I just can not wait to give you a hug! We all love you!
See you soon! Love ya!

chrissy g

Chrissy Gilbert

September 21, 2007

Jesse,

I stop at your page every day, right after checking my son Michael's and another friend, Sgt Jeff Hewitt from N.C. I never met you or your family, but we all have the same thing in common and that is the loss of an officer which shattered all our future dreams. The problems created all because of careless individuals who caused all this pain to individuals who had everything in this world to live for. Continue to watch over your loved ones and guide them. Visit them in their dreams so that they know you are close and watching over them.

Bob Gordon
Father of Michael P. Gordon, EOW: 8/8/04

September 13, 2007

uncle jesse,
its been a while... i haven't written u in a while. ive been real busy, but thats no excuse not to write to you. my life is gettin crazier and im gettin caught up with life. Sometimes i leave out the ones you miss the most.. like you uncle jess. and thats wrong, even though you have passed your still a big part of my life and i wish i would have written you earlier. but ive been off leave for 4 days now and i cant help thinkin how i wish i would have saw aunt carin, savannah, and jacob while i was home. they bring out so many good qualities that you had.. jesus uncle jes..i wish to god you were still here, ure such a good guy. a guy i look up to, thats what you are uncle jesse. my idol. youre the reason i do whats right. enough on sulkin, im gonna bring out how you have helped me...uncle jess im not good with test takin.. and i want to thank you for being there with me on my EOC..i got an 89% and that is a big part of training for my job, not only JUST trainin, but my military career.. THANK YOU. yea i studied my ass off but, im just glad you were lookin over my shoulder to make sure i did a lil bit better... now i know im in the air force and you were in the marines but im proud of being an airman, and im proud of serving the same tradition that you so chose when you were young like me... but i can only hope to forfill the boots you filled. and when im "over there" im gonna be doin the best i can and than some, knowin that if you were over there doin what i do youd be assuring that the work you did was top shelf. and thats what i strive for whether or not if im at home station or deployed, and thats what i will always hold my standard to.. " how/ or what would uncle jess think about this".. and thats what i feel, you have always brought the best out in people and always will...uncle jess im tryin not to get emotional..but "when i get where im goin" the song by kenney chesney, thats the song what i wait for.. when my time comes so that we can chill again, and it will be nice when that time comes. but untill then im gonna do the best i can knowin that your up there say "yea boy you can do that", i know you know what im talkin about uncle jess.. im just bad at expressin my feelings, but one emotion i can express is that I LOVE YOU uncle jess. and i always will.. im gonna wrap this up but untill then, ill see you and i love you to death that will never change. and thank you so much. i wish i could type this well for papaer that i have to write! . . . I LOVE YOU




MIKE.

A1C Holzheimer
my uncle

September 13, 2007

Jesse...on this anniversary of the attack, I wanted to tell you how grateful I am that men like you exist...men who go off to fight for our freedom...and then come home to protect it...I wish there was many more like you out there...Thank you for you service to your country...and thanks for giving me a special sister...love you Carin...Tomorrow we will remember those lost on that day 6 years ago...and pray for their friends and families...will pray for your family too Jesse...

Much love,
Chrissy Henley

September 10, 2007

Carin, I come here often to read the reflections, it keeps the memory alive and also helps to keep me grounded. And its your birthday (well, a few days late) happy birthday and remember, you will always be 39 from this day forward! I can't imagine what it must be like to be without your husband, especially on your birthday. Stay strong.
It is funny that you mention the Weber story, I remember well Jesse's love of the Weber, in fact, it is the only reason why we have one. I remember him one time at a picnic using it and he would say something like (it needed to hit some temp) then bingo, the burgers were done. Yes, he seemed to really enjoy that. I remember thinking at the time, boy, if we ever get a grill, that is certainly what we should get. And honestly, every time we grill, the memory comes up. Hope you know that you and the kids are in the prayers and thoughts of many and that Jesse's memory will be never be lost.

Easton PD Wife

September 8, 2007

Mrs. Sollman, you are amazing!! Just amazing! I think we have to do things like you have above to get through the tuff times! It really helps! God Bless you! oh and HAPPY
BIRTHDAY!

September 7, 2007

Hey Jes ~

I've been thinking about you a lot today, remembering some funny things you used to do. I've decided that I'm going to "steal" an idea from Bob Gordon (father of Officer Michael Gordon) and start putting Jesse stories on here for others to read and enjoy, and to help make sure that everyone remembers all the wonderful things about you and the reasons why we all love and miss you so much.

And to anyone visiting this site - please feel free to leave any Jesse stories that you may have. I welcome any memories that you would like to share and will save them for Savannah and Jacob so that when they are older they can still "know" their dad.

I finally broke down yesterday and bought a new phone for the house - I was down to one receiver, and it didn't always work right - so I went to Circuit City with Jacob and spent an hour in the phone aisle trying to pick a new one. I got another Panasonic, because that is the brand Jesse thought was the best. Which brings me to my Jesse story.....

Jesse wouldn't buy anything without consulting Consumer Reports first. Whatever it was he was going to buy, no matter how small or how large a purchase it was, he always wanted to get the best and to make sure that he got his money's worth out of it. He would spend days, sometimes weeks, researching before making a decision. Back in 1994 when we lived in Bethlehem we were ready to buy our first grill - it was the first time we were able to have one (we had lived in an apartment for 3 years prior) and he spent the longest time researching every grill on the market. He finally decided on a Weber, which at the time was new on the market and more expensive than most other grills. I can't remember now how much we paid for it - I think around $800 - but EVERYONE busted his chops for buying that grill. All the guys he worked with gave him such a hard time for spending so much money on a grill, told him he was crazy.......Anyone who knew Jesse knows how much he used it - when we lived in Pen Argyl he was always out in the driveway, always grilling up some chicken or sausage or steak. I'd send him out there with a huge plate of meat and he'd come back 20 minutes later with one piece for me and the kids - he'd flag down anyone he knew driving by to have a beer with him and they'd stand out there talking, having a cold one and eating the meat right off of the grill. He loved that Weber and I just now, after 13 years, have had to replace it - I'm pretty sure he got his money's worth. And getting a new one was a no-brainer for me, of course I got another Weber because as Jesse would say "you have to have a Weba, it's got the flavoriza baaz!"

Love you, Jes. Always and forever.
~ Carin

September 7, 2007

Hey Jes ~

Today was my birthday, I can't believe I'm 39.

You were never good about remembering my birthday - actually, you usually forgot until late in the day then would run out to get me a card - but you always managed to make up for it. I think one of the best birthday memories I have is when I turned 36 and we took the kids to the Japanese Hibachi Grill in Allentown. The kids just loved it and our chef was so great with them; after all this time and all that has happened Jacob still remembers the little fireman guy that "peed" on the flames. I still have the picture of the 4 of us that night, with me wearing that big silly hat and holding the gong thing. Wow, it seems like so very long ago. A lifetime ago.

I can never, ever complain about my age because I am 3 years older now than you will ever be.

I love you, Jes. Always and forever.
~ Carin

September 5, 2007

Carin, Give yourself a chance to love again, Jesse would want that for you and the children! You can move on with Jesse in your heart, no one can take that from you, ever! Life is too short, as you know, to sit around being sad and unhappy, this effects the children and then they feel they have to feel that way because Mommy feels that way. Its hard to do I know but try to get involved with other widows and widowers and you will see its ok to move forward with your love of Jesse in your heart! Start now because once the children are in school you will drive yourself crazy at home with your thoughts! I will keep you in my prayers and hope you can find peace and love again soon.

September 4, 2007

Carin,

I come here once and while to see how your holding up. The reflections you write to Jes leave me in tears while I sit here and read them. I am a father of two small children and it breaks my heart to see you going through all of this. I know you feel like something snapped inside and that you wonder how you can go on but you will. Jes won't let you not. i have lost a loved one in the past and the hurt wont go away but you will learn to live again. Jes will help you. Its Jes who helps you figure out how to take off those training wheels and its Jes that helps you get through all the other things that he once did. He does this through you. He is in your heart and in your sole and he will help you live on. I admire your strength and your courage to live on and raise your kids and I admire the passion you still show for Jes in your letters. Carin it is this passion, strentgh and dedication that will not only help you survive but also what your children will and the rest of us must aspire to achieve. If you ever need someone ( a stranger) to write to and to listen to you please let me know and I will be hapy to give you an e-mail address. May GOD bles you and the kids.

Jes,
Semper Fi and may God bless you and keep you.

CW
Department of Public Safety

August 31, 2007

Carin, I look at what some people get upset about, how their kids friends for example get them upset, its pathetic how much emphasis is placed on things that really, are meaningless in the end, or at least, not monumental. What you have dealt with and are dealing with is just monumental. Somewhere though, you will always, always find people who have it better than you. A husband around to be a father, a husband, to just be there. but you will always find people much worse than you too and that is the case with all of us. Maybe their children are sick, or spouse or whomever or whatever. There are no answers to what happened that day, that is for sure. There will be no reasoning in the end and you are left with the pieces. I pray for you all the time and the kids. I know you will be fine but it is easy for me to say that, I am just an outsider looking in, but you are strong. Keep your faith, and say a prayer, that god gives you the strength to overcome each day. I think Jesse would like to see you be happy. Lets face it, he was Mr. Happy. I think Jesse would want you to be happy for the kids. We cannot change what happened but what we can do is change the way we react to the life that now surrounds us. Jesse's death impacted so many people in so many ways, he was just Jesse. You should be very proud of him. Your life has been forever changed and never will it ever be the same. That is just very sad because it is something that neither you or Jesse asked for - - I think grievance, that it will never be the same, will never go away, but hopefully will become more manageable with time - - acceptance, that is is now so very different, as much as you want that old life back, it is gone forever, but hope, hope that with time, and the prayers from friends, those whom you probably never think of, are there with you to, even if just in spirit, to make sure you have a future. So, may you find peace in knowing that you are not ever alone and Jesse will never be forgotten.

Easton PD Wife

August 27, 2007

Carin...my dear sweet friend...you are not alone...the sleepless nights...the constant worrying...how will we get through these days and nights...what will happen to us in 5 or 10 years...my kids will be off to college by then...will I still be this person...stuck in between the full life I had with Drew and the emptiness that has taken it's place...So many times I say to people "I just want to feel happy again, to feel real joy"...I guess I just don't want to feel sad anymore....but we can't wish it away...I think that there is a part of us that feels as if we are some how betraying them if we do move on...feel better...I know I think all the time, would Drew want me to move on to another relationship? I don't think so, but maybe, just maybe he is up there thinking "I hope you can find some happiness"...I don't know really....I mean it's awful to sleep in that big bed all alone night after night...missing the feeling of his arms around me...or the way he kissed me..or held my hand...or even the way he looked at me...how much he loved me..will I ever again have this huge void filled in my heart...in my life....it is possible...I have seen it in others...other survivors who find love again...but the love for our hero will never go away...that's a special place no one can ever enter....sometimes I feel so guilty for wanted to have someone else...and at the same time I am not ready to put away his pictures...I am not ready to erase him from my life....In time, things have a way of working themselves out...when the time is right...we will know it...until then, I am here for you, day or night...call me anytime...if you need to talk through anything...I am here for you...If you need to get away...I am here for you....always, you are my sister...I love you and think about you and the kids all the time...keep holding your head up Carin....you are doing a great job!! You are surviving!!! Love, me

August 25, 2007

Everything will be ok, you will see.

August 25, 2007

Jes ~

People say that time heals all wounds, that things will get better with time, to just give it time.......how much time, exactly, needs to pass before things will get better? Because so far it hasn't been nearly enough.

I was laying in bed this morning listening to the silence of our house but it was so hard to hear it over the storm that rages inside my head. I wish there was a switch that could just turn my brain off, a way to stop me from thinking all the time. Thinking about what happened to you. About what has happened to me and the kids. About what our future will hold. About so many things. I just want to stop thinking. I want to stop worrying, and wondering and most of all I want to stop being afraid.

I oftentimes think back to that moment in the hospital when the doctor told me that you were gone. He didn't actually say anything, he just looked so sad and shook his head - it was like I was watching it all unfold from outside myself and I remember it felt like something just snapped inside of me, like something just broke. It's difficult to explain but I felt like at that moment I was thrown into some kind of chaos and I still, after all this "time", haven't been able to get out of it. I get up every day and do what needs to be done for me and for the kids and the days go by one at a time and I find myself feeling like I'm just going through the motions, waiting for bedtime so the kids can go to sleep. But I never sleep - not really, not restfully through the night since you died - I lay awake and think and worry and I am so afraid.

If you came back tomorrow you probably wouldn't recognize the person I have become - I hardly recognize myself. Whatever snapped that day has changed me forever.

I miss you, Jes. And I love you. Always and forever.
~ Carin

August 23, 2007

Hi, Carin.
I think of you and Jesse often... and come back here from time to time to check in. I can't believe that we were friends so long ago... and the fun that the 4 of us used to have together!
I wish you and your family well... and would love to touch base at some point... if you ever feel inclined, google me.
Many thoughts and prayers-
Heath (Boice-Pardee)

August 17, 2007

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