Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

renata, i like this song! i think this song is for you to isaac.

blaque- when the last teardrop falls

It's so hard to lose the one you love
To finally have to say goodbye
You try to be strong but the pain keeps holdin' on
And all that you can do is cry
Deep within your heart you know it's time to move on
When the fairy tale that you once knew is gone

1 - When the last tear drop falls
I'll still be holdin' on to all of our memories
And all of what used to be

When the last tear drop falls
I will stand tall
And know that you're here with me in my heart
When the last tear drop falls
So now I'm alone and life keeps movin' on
But my destination still unknown, oh yeah
Will there be a time when I'll fall in love again?
When I was meant to walk these streets alone
If there was just one wish I could be granted here tonight
It would be to have you right back by my side

Repeat 1

Now it's time for me to find my happiness again
And the emptiness from missin' you
Will never ever end, baby

fina

October 26, 2004

hey isaac. just dropping in to say hi!! llove ya

fina

October 26, 2004

Hi Baby,

Yesterday night your sister and I got to enjoy a wonderful dinner with some of your buddies from work. GF came back for two weeks and since he was not here when you passed MN invited us to dinner with the guys. It was so nice to see your friends, to be able to enjoy their stories and memories of you and to see how close they all are. They toasted to you and talked about what a wonderful man you where. I got emotional at one point but you know your boys they are crazy. They made your sister and I laugh we enjoyed the time we got to spend with them. They all miss you so much. Please keep them safe in the streets be with them and give them wisdom and knowledge in the streets. I miss you so much. Things are really crazy in my life right now I could use your help. I have had to make some tough decisions that have been hard and emotionally painful. Give me strength. Help me do the right thing. I love you with all my heart and always will. I will wait for you.

October 26, 2004

Renata, I love you girl! I would feel completley lost too if my husband passed! But he wasn't just a husband. He was everything to you. Your love. Your life. The father of your child. Your best friend. I'm lost just knowing why God took one of the best souls on this planet. Why? Its okay to loose it. Its okay to be mad at God. I'm mad at him too! Why did he take Isaac away? Don't feel judged! If people wonder why you do what you do, its because they love you. They want you to be okay. I'm here in Oregon at the hospital, and I started thinking of you and Isaac. Thats why I looked up the odmp. You guys were so beautiful together. You had what others wished for. You had what dreams were made of. I would loose it too!!!! You'll get through it. One day at a time. I have to stop crying myself before the CFO walks in. I love you girl. Adele

Adele

October 21, 2004

Hi baby someone send this poem to me and I cried when I read it so I wanted to share it with you.

Somebody killed a Policeman today and
A part of America died,
A piece of our country he swore to protect
Will be buried with him at his side.
The suspect who shot him will stand up in court,
With counsel demanding his rights
While a young widowed mother must work for her kids,
and spend many long, lonely nights.
The beat that he walked was a battlefield too,
Just as if he'd gone off to war
Though the flag of our nation won't fly at half mast,
To his name they will add a gold star.
Yes, somebody killed a policeman today,
In your town or mine
While we slept in comfort behind our locked doors,
A cop put his life on the line.
Now his ghost walks a beat on a dark city street,
and he stands at each new rookie's side
He answered the call, of himself gave his all
And a part of America died.

by late Deputy Harry Koch, Arizona

October 21, 2004

Hi Baby, well we are home from our trip. Thank you for taking care of us. The award ceremony for you was very nice. The award you received is so beautiful I am so proud of you, you deserve it. You were an awesome man as well as a hardworking dedicated police officer. I love you. Your family and friends went with Bella and I to show their support and just because they love you. Bella had the best time of her life, she did not want to come back home. She remembered the last time you were there because she kept telling us that this is where papi came with his friends. She is so cute. I see now why you had so much fun there and if I had you home with me I wouldn't care how many times you went there as long as you came back home to us. How I miss you. On the way back home we where on the airplane and Bella was listening to the radio when she said Mami listen to this song and she got sad. I put on my headphones and listened, It was the song by Luther Vandrose "Dance with my Father" I looked over at her sad face and saw how she just sat there listening and the tears just started rolling down my cheeks. I didn't want to upset her but I couldn't hold it. She needs you so much. She misses you. After I came home that day I couldn't concentrate or think I just cried all night and haven't stoped since then. I miss you. I have had such bad days lately. Thinking how will I ever survive without your love. Without you. Help me to accept it, help me to keep going. I need you. It has been raining here since we got back and I have been feeling blue, cause I remember when we used to spend time together all day on rainy days. I miss you. I will always love you my endless love. The house will soon be done and I will be able to set your room up. It will be good. Just the way you would of wanted. I will see you tommorrow. I love you.

October 20, 2004

Hi Renata: I tried to talk to you while you were down in Miami for the NLPOA Conference, I hope you got my message, I met your in-laws and would love to talk with you..please, do not hesitate and contact me at your convenience, I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING TRHOUGH..we are here for you and for Isabella..

Take care and please contact me....

terry miyares, surviving spouse
Officer Emilio Miyares, Hialeah PD< Fl 11/6/86

October 20, 2004

The surgery was successful! Thank-you for your prayers and presence. I'll visit you this weekend, much love, thinking of you always...

October 19, 2004

Isaac you were definitely a hero Isaac. A hero thats never going to be forgotten. A hero that is looking over us and smiling and guiding us in the right paths. A hero thats loving his wife everyday. A hero who loves his daughter and helps her grow everyday. Never be forgotten. You were truly something. Something very special to me and so many more. The hero that I loved and looked up to in ways that were imangiable. You will be my hero till forever. Miss you

Monica

October 15, 2004

Renata,
Feel your feelings it's okay, cry when you need to cry.I wish I could console you.. I think about you everyday. Stay strong for Bella. Take one day at a time - it will be okay. Trust in God. Remember when he brings us to something he carries us through it. May God Bless you and Bella today and always.

October 15, 2004

I miss you Issac. I miss you sooo much. I think about you everyday. I wish this pain would just go away. Never leave Renatas side. Watch over her, for these are the most hardest times. She needs you. She can't live without you. You need to show her that she will be okay even when you think its hard to reach out to her. Give her the smallest signs to know that she will be okay. I miss you Isaac.

Me and my sister were laughin the other day cause something happened and we go " If isaac were here he would have our back!" haha. Miss you Isaac. Be good up there!

Monica

October 14, 2004

Renata,

My father's wife was diagnosed with lung cancer in January of 1995, she had passed away by May 1995. My father was inconsolable, I tried my best to bring comfort to him, but he wanted to be left alone. They had been together for 18+ years, and I had a half-sister from their marriage. I asked him how he made it through? He answered that he knew, his daughters needed him, and that three years later his baby granddaughter needed him to pull him self together, and fight like a mad man for his sanity to win the battle. Our family tried to get him to move out of his house and sell all his things, and he wouldn't even pay attention. He told me that all those memories helped him, even if there were days/nights that he found no rest and that his eyes were so swollen from crying that he could hardly open them. So now it's been 10 years, and he is helping others who are in the place he was at 10 years ago, he helps other widowers who's loved one's life's were cut short by cancer. It helps bring him closure, peace, he feels that helping others has been the best medicine. There isn't a day that he doesn't remember his wife, but he is much stronger. He admits that he still cries at nights, and that his love for her is still as big if not bigger. I'm proud of him, I admisre him, he is a survivor and one of my heros!
So, what I'm getting at is that, this whole experience is going to strengthen you so much, at this time you do not realize it, but 10 years down the road you will be strong enough to help other women who are just starting to struggle with what you are going through. Hang in there, you will overcome. Take it one day at a time, enjoy you daughter, and when you need to shut the door, turn the phone off and cry.....do it! Family, friends and all others will understand that you need your time. No one will or should make you feel as if you are making mistakes, or blame you because you are no longer the same person you once were. Your daughter will one day be in my shoes admiring you as a strong woman, a survivor, a hero.

October 14, 2004

Renata,

Everyday I check in a read the messages people have written. I worry about you so much. I just cry when I read your reflections and wish that I could help you "breathe" and get through the days better. I wish your friends, family and neighbors could help you more and take away your pain. I try to give you your space and not pry into your life but I so much wh=ant to call you everyday to say hi and see how you are doing. You are right we don't understand what you are going through. Know that we are here to help you and Bella, but we realize there is nothing that we can do to ease your pain. I think of Isaac everyday. I also think of you and Bella. You are what I think of when I open my shutters in the morning and see your house and you are all what I think of when I close them at night to go to bed. I pray for you and Bella to find peace, and hope that you can find comfort and happiness sometime in the future. Know that you are much loved and so was Isaac.

Kristi Chenette
friend and neighbor

October 14, 2004

Renata,
I always check the reflection page for officer Isaac Espinoza and start to cry when I see your reflections. I feel your pain every time I read your reflections. I can't find the words to tell you how sorry I am that you are going through this. I pray that one day you will find the confirt you need to keep going. Don't loss faith. Don't be mad at life. Continue his legacy for him. He was a great man.

October 12, 2004

ZAK-

Thank-you for watching over us at work. This week was kinda hectic, but as usual, everyone hustled to get the job(s) done. Next week, Rich Artist will need you for a while because he's having brain surgery. I'm sure you know the details...He cares a lot about you! We had a party for him at Bayview on Wed., and almost the whole original crew from Swings and Mids were there! It was a great reunion, you were there!! RE and Family, thanks for the pizza and drinks!!! God Bless, Patty.

Off. Brown, Bayview MIDS
S.F.P.D.

October 12, 2004

I also ask that Isaac come to Renata in dreams. Please soothe her Isaac! I never met your wife, but I knew you. Your death has changed me and I think of you everyday. Renata we never met...all i can say to you is hold on. Stay strong, don't give up on Life. I know that nothing brings you joy. I know that you feel that your spirit has also left this world.

I know this is extreme and forgive me if this upsets you...but, have you thought of going away for awhile? going to another town, another state? maybe you need a different view? Somewhere were you can breathe...and not constantly be reminded of the tragidy. Just for a little bit? I will also pray that Isaac come to you in dreams..
Pls write on this website and let me know if he does! It's ok for you to make mistakes...it's ok for you to feel weak at times. This is all part of the healing process. Have faith in God..keep talking to him...

October 12, 2004

In the Arms of an Angel
Song by .....Sarah McLachlan

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it ok
There's always some reason to feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
They may be empty and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an Angel fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference, escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees

In the arms of an Angel far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
In the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

October 11, 2004

Mrs. Espinoza

I read your posting, its obvious that your pain is unbearable, so much so that NO ONE around you feels it the way you do. Which means they can't understand it.

I heard somewhere the following quote that made me think and I've used it's logic in my life

"I'd rather have one day of experiencing true love, than a whole life's worth of emptiness trying to find love"

You see, you had seven wonderful years of true love with Officer Espinoza, you are fortunate. Many people spend their entire lives trying to find true love. Some do and some regrettably never experience it.

So submerge yourself in those memories to help you keep going. Use one memory a day to help you get through the tough days.
I'll keep you in my prayers!

October 11, 2004

Hi Baby, today is your six month anniversary. I just got back from seeing you that was so hard. No matter how many times I go see you it always feels like the first time I visited you. My body starts shaking even before I get there and my stomach starts to hurt and I am already crying before I get out of the car. I sit in the car for a while just to get courage to get out. I fight with the fear I have inside. I have nothing to give today. I have been fighting with the pain these past couple of days. I am tired of crying. But yet the tears don't stop flowing. Why? I have no one to console me because no one understands. I have no one to talk to without feeling judged. I feel like since you have been gone I have done nothing but make mistakes after mistakes. I have nothing to give. I am just lost. My soul is sad all I could do is cry. I try to do what is right but what is right? I don't know. I get lost in my thoughts, lost in a dream it feels like with no one at my side, no one who understands. I have our friends and family who have been by my side faithfully giving me strenght and showing me love. But yet I feel all alone, I don't want to be bothered at times. I don't want to be reminded of how much I need you, but I can't escape I can't run away, I can't hide. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS. I am alone. Sometimes I ask myself why do I do the things I do? Why do I dissapoint people around me? Why can't I be the person I was once with you the person everyone wants back? Why? because she died with you?

What do I do now that you are gone?
Well, when there's nothing else going on, I sit in a corner and I cry until I am numbed to feel.
Paralyzed, motionless for awhile, nothing moving inside or out. Then I think how much I miss you.
Then I feel fear, pain and loneliness desolation.
Then I cry until I am too numbed to feel. there is nothing to be done. only accept it.... and hurt.
you came and made my house our home

October 10, 2004

Dear God,

I pray that you permit Isaac to visit Renata through a dream that he may be able to speak with her. To comfort her, I know NOTHING is impossible. Please grant him permission to reach out and speak with her, to give her the strength, the assurance that everything is fine. So they can get a chance to say "until we meet again".

Please Lord......
Please father.....
Please Holy Spirit,
Listen to my prayer, take heed to my calling.

Amen.

October 7, 2004

Hi Isaac just wanted to let you know that today was an okay day. I wish you could be here to see Bella grow. I am so proud of her and I know you are too. She is getting so big and today she wrote her name by herself for the first time. I almost cried when I picked her up from school. She is so smart. We talked about you today. She told Noah about you and how you had died, I couldn't believe my ears. But she also said that you where in heaven waiting for us. It is so hard for me to hear her say those words "papi died" because I don't believe them. She started pre-k and is having a good time. She is socializing and talking more. She has made lots of friends which is good. Oh how I wish you where here to watch her grow up. She misses you so much. I know she waits for you to come back just like me. But she is still to little to understand it all. On our way home today I started to think about that night at the hospital and I started to cry. I kept thinking about your face, how you looked and even though everything is a big blurr, I always remember how you looked your face, your body. I can't forget that night. I have tried but I can't. I wish I could of at least heard your voice one last time and that you would of told me that you were gonna be okay. I feel robbed. I didn't even get that chance to see you alive. I found one of our home movies the other day and sat down to watch it, I laughed and cried just thinking about that day and because I missed you. I'm trying my best to go on, I am. But it is so hard. There are days when I am okay and I tell myself that I will get thru this hard time. Days when I laught out loud without pain, or smile for real. Days when I think that the torture of not having you here will ease just a little bit and I will be able to smile more and not be sad inside. Then there are days that I just don't want to get up or do anything but I have to because I need to for Bella. I have been so busy lately with everything that is going on I have not had a chance to breath. I feel so drained but it keeps me from falling apart. Isaac I miss you so much baby, I can only take it day by day if not I fall apart. Our memories is what keeps me going remembering all that we shared and the love we had. Our one of a kind love a love like ours is hard to find. I miss you. Seeing Bella look like you more and more each day and seeing you live thru her helps me get thru the day. Thank you. I love you and always will.

October 6, 2004

Zup, Ieze Hows it going. For me Im ok started a new job, and now am trying to hook my parents up with a loan. (Yeah, like I always tried to hook you up):)I went to the cemetary the other day cause i just couldnt stop thinking about you, I could not concentrate at work and left quickly cause i felt i had to go see you and when i got there i didnt do anything just cry and remember all the times we all shared and all the things that were suppose to happen. I try to be strong but at times i give in and cry and think "Isaac is really gone" the funny guy who was always making jokes and fixing stuff and smiling and making fun of me, Ieze is really gone, and i see you smiling and hear you laugh. like the last time i saw you, when we went over your house cause bella had got hurt and all the drama that happend and even though we all tried to be mad at each other we couldnt cause we just couldnt Ieze you always had to joke about it and that made everything all good again. I remember that we were all laughing cause you were giving me that video thing that wasnt even yours it was ninas :) Oh man that was funny. (by the way nina never gave it to me) But you know Ieze, I think of you everyday at some point during the day. I see your pic everyday cause nina made this thing for bella, that has pics of you and bella from when she was a baby till she was like 2. I had a dream about you the other day, but its to hard to share but I just pray that God allowes me to talk to you and ask you what you want me to tell nina, the house is turning out fine Ieze, but it just feels weird cause you aint here, trying to make it better or something. I really miss you Ieze, we have been hanging out more with the family and i just feel sad to know that you should be with us to, but then realize that you are with us in our hearts and in our memories, you always come up in our conversations. We laugh we get sad. But at the end i remember the good times and keep your smile on my mind. Ieze I miss you. May God keep you. till we meet again. RAY

October 6, 2004

Isaac help Renata and your family live without you. Soothe them, hold them, make them strong. I was only your friend and I think of you everyday. I can't even imagine what Renata is feeling? What your parents and sister are feeling? please hold them in your arms, come to them in dreams. Guide them through this!

October 5, 2004

Make A Pearl....by Harry Emerson

The most extraordinary thing about the oyster is this: Irritations get into his shell. He does not like them. But when he cannot get rid of them, he uses the irritation to do the loveliest thing and oyster ever has a chance to do. If there are irritations in our lives today, there is only one prescription: Make a Pearl

Share it with others, it will help us mend our broken hearts.

October 4, 2004

Its me again. Sorry the other one I wrote was really fast. Veronica needed the computer. You know how mean and annoying her voice is. Hahaha.


Wow, how she misses you. I dont know how she does it. I cant even imagine her pain. I want her to smile and laugh like she means it. I dont want her to pretend that she has to laugh to hide her pain. I want it like how it was before. Pleasee watch over her. These times are the hardest for her. She doesnt know how shes going to move on without you. I dont think she ever is. The pain is just too much for her. Why? I still ask it had to be you. Sometimes I feel like the world is nothing anymore. Sometimes I feel like there is no use in living because we dont even know when its our time to go. Sometimes I have this hatred in my mind, that Im in a bad mood, or just dont want to talk to anyone because Im angry at the world. I was never like that. But now after you left us, I feel like why do I have to be happy? Theres nothing to be happy about anymore. It just doesnt seem real. It seems like 1 month ago that you moved into your house & came strolling along Cuesta with Renata. It actaully feels like yesterday. I rememeber your face, your eyes, your nose, your smile, your teeth, your everything. I remember how happy Renata was. I remember when everyone in your family was happy. But now it seems like its brokem hearts, shredded tears, and no laughter. Gosh Isaac. Im soo mad. I didnt want you to leave. I hate the fact that your not here with us. It wasnt ever your time. I wish that I could just do something to have you back. I think everybody would try to something to get you back. The pains never gunna go away Isaac. Its never going to go away. I always watched the news and always saw other families crying over their friends, sons, daughters, or the ones theyve lost, but never did I expect it would ever be you. I guess I never realized how much you were affected my life and my families life. How we miss you. It hurts me and sometimes I feel like I cant even breathe. Sometimes I pinch myself just to see if its real. If this is all real. I wish it was all unreal. I never got to tell you how much I looked up to you, and respected your decisions and your goals in life. You taught me many things. Its incredible how i actually still remeber them. Please Isaac dont ever walk away from Renata. Always watch over her and Little Bella. Shes looking more like you everyday. Its crazy. Time goes by and it seems so unreal everyday. Just know that theres never one day that I dont think of you. Everyday. Every second, every minute, everyday! I think I want to go visit you tomorrow. I havent for awhile. No i havent forgotten about you. Its just that I dont drive, and i cant drive myself there. My mom has been really busy. But for sure Im going to visit you tomorrow. Catch up on things you know? You were always the sweetest thing Isaac and you'll always be. I miss you okay? Never forget that. Please be good up there Isaac. Dont do anything I wouldnt do. Watch over Bella and Renata. Love you and take care . See you tomorrow.

Monica

October 4, 2004