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I saw you face on Saturday-when I sat across from Joshua and heard your laugh as we made a quick dash to Hardee's before he went to his first job at Food Lion! I saw the dark --a tab bit of curls in his hair; the dark beard/hair on his face, and those deep blue eyes and I saw you! Then today as I left for work I saw in the distant your body, the tall frame of a lanky teenager -moving a little hop here and there waiting for the bus without a coat on and it was only 16 degrees outside....when I pulled up and ask Justin if he would like a ride to school he hopped right in and said I though I was going to miss the bus and I didn't put all my shirts/coat on. If you could see Justin run, you would see yourself! Then, even tho you might not see what I see, I see parts of you in Jamie and the girls, the tilt of the head, the curve of the face, the way they hold their head back and laugh, and the eyes that look back at me remind me of you. As the ice pelts against the windows tonight, I think what caused you to lose control of that car, what possibly is the reason that we have to be without you...I still find myself in the grip of grief; the tears flow like rain and sounds emit from my soul as the howling of the wind.. the heart hurts as if someone is squeezing it dry....why do I even image that the years will make it easier...easier to get up each day... easier to be without you. Soon the clock will fall to the fatal moment when you met such horror, if only for a moment, then your soul lifted up towards your heavenly home. I wonder who walked with you across the divide...did Pepa come for you? Did Jim? We each will make this trip...for to live is to also die...each day we move toward the end of our earthly life...I cannot forgive myself for not being there....not there to hold your hand, to encourage you to live ... to stay with us...I am told that your broken body would not live...your heart was torn and it was not possible for you to live...and if you could not be whole, then I know you would not want to stay....we have no words that can describe what you see now..the peace that you have now...as I lean on my faith I know, I know that God did for you what he promises to do for each of those who call on his name...so tonight as time edges towards the hour you left for a wonderful peace , I look for peace in the loss; and peace that is beyond my understanding ...that God loves you much more than I ever could...eight years .. seems like yesterday that you and I stood outside on Tuesday night before you left and talked about your life, and some stuff that had happened at worked, and you laughed that wonderful laugh; and wrapped those long arms around me, giving me your bear hug; kissed the top of my head; and put me in my car...just as I was driving away. you walked up to the car and knocked on my window... I lowered the window, you reach end and hugged me again, looked me in the eyes and your blue eyes were shining and said you know how much I love you, then kissed me goodbye....I had no way, no way to know that it was really goodbye! I am so glad I got to hug you back, kiss you good night, for the last time.
"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose" Romans 8:28
Cathy C. Carter
February 17, 2015